Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Horrible Mother

I am sitting here in tears as I drink my coffee this morning.  We had a bad night last night.  Ally kept waking up and wailing.  When I went in she didn't appear to be in pain or sick, so the more I heard her the angrier I got.  I stomped into her room twice and flung the lights on and hauled her out of bed.  Then I got control over myself and cuddled her and explained that it is night time and she is waking everyone up.  Then I would leave and by then Zoe would have woken up - one time she was awake when Ally was and I had to take her with me.  I would go back to bed and try and sleep and Mike would be snoring!  All I could think about was how much I had to do today and I would get angrier at Mike coincidentally.

Today I am feeling so guilty, ashamed and lost.

Part of me thinks maybe two is enough?  But then the other part says 4 is enough and any less is a failure.  I want more children.  I want to have a big loving family.  I want to teach and do neat things with my children.  I love my girls and enjoy 95% of my time with them.  The othe 5% is when I am tired and in need of a break.

What is a break?  And how much do i need?  I wish i knew.  How do single mothers do it?  I am feeling tapped out and that I am not getting as much help as I need.  But what and how much I have no idea.  I have a supportive family and Mike is doing all he can while working a ton.  I just don't know.

Maybe it is the house?  I have always hated cleaning and I hate it even more now.  But the mess bothers me so much more right now.  I feel closed in and trapped by it.  It never ends and if we leave it for one day it is a sty again.  The more I think about it, the more I think it is the house and spring fever.....I can not wait to get outside.  The thing about cleaning is that it makes me grumpy and takes me away from my kids.  I want to be one of those neat moms who does cool activities and crafts.  I hate that cleaning takes me away from it.  Any tips on how to balance with out getting a maid?
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2 comments:

  1. Danielle!March 17, 2009 at 4:52 PM

    Hmm... I don't have much advice because I don't have kids. I think that this time of year sucks for a lot of people..just think of the last couple of weeks. You've been really busy with a lot of changes which are hard to get used to. Then this weekend we have to give energy to everyone at the conference. I think you are an amazing mom and you do the best you can do. But I also think you are too hard on yourself and that internal dialogue about guilt and being a bad mother is total bullshit.
    Everyone does as good as they can and I think you're the best mom I know. You are there for your children and you balance your needs to be happy while listening and responding to their needs as well.
    Everyone has moments when they are frustrated and feel constrained by the world and you have never reacted in any way that would make you a "bad" mother.
    You would not be failing to decide on "just" two children and having that pressure on yourself isn't good. I know you want to wait and by then having two will be different then two under 2!!
    Just my thoughts! Love you!

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  2. Danielle!March 17, 2009 at 4:58 PM

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y71dMX-0K6E
    Here's a song that gave me some power today...

    ReplyDelete

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